Thursday, May 10, 2012

True Love, Courtship, Dating and the 12 Signs

I began researching courtship and dating.  Why you ask?  I will be married for 19 years this October. ( Yes of course to the same man)  Why do I need to research courtship? 
 Several of my friends have been divorced, have children a job.  They work hard, are wonderful talented smart women, and are attractive.  They do try to do their best,  the children are wonderful, are good mothers and friends.  To be  truthful I don't envy the challenges they face daily.  Dating and looking for a good man is a challenge. 
  One woman I know shared that she had been somewhat inimate with a man she just started dating.  I was surprised.  I thought and said to her " you haven't known him very long, not to be indelicate but did you think about any medical concerns?"       In my head I am yelling 
                            S     L    O     W                  D     O    W     N    !!!!

I ask myself... " Why would she offer him any of herself in such a way when he hasn't earned anything more than a simple kiss good night?"   I KNOW why, really I do, but I become concerned.  Why is she making this choice for herself, in the pursuit of Love. 
 I did share my thoughts, .What do you know about him?  Does he have a reliable job? Does he have any  financial issues, is he single?  What is his past history with women?"  "Have you met his family or friends."     "Ok so you know a few of his friends but really is that enough?  "Is he dating anyone else?  Is he willing to be monogamous?"

  I didn't mean to sound judgemental.  I worry about these women.  These strong and courageous women.  They deserve so much more than life has offered to them thus far.  I wish they would hold themselves in higher regard of worthiness.

I stated " I am older than you,  I have made an amazing number of bad decisions, dated many boys and  men most who hurt me terribly."   I further remarked " I know I haven't dated in very long time, but let me just say this" In most corporations, businesses you are placed on a  probationary period from three to six months.  The three month or six month trial follows with a perfomance review.  Your immediate boss reviews your successes and failures.  At that point you are offered the positioin,  fired, or given an extended probationary time."  The first three months of dating are your trial period, it is new and exciting. 
 Granted a relationship cannot be measured in the same exact way  However, in your mind  when you are alone.  Take the time to evaluate your three month dating period.  Ask yourself  ~ are you ready for a courtship? A true romance?  Should you continue to date or is he to be fired? 
  Shouldn't someone you date while searching, hoping and longing for a life partner... shouldn't he prove himself to you that he is worthy of you, respects you and truly loves you. That he REALLY cares for you.  Or does he fall into the catagory of just another player?  
      Find a great role model and use that person as your  three month yard stick of measurement.  You are the Boss of your relationship.  Take the helm sister and steer the ship.  Date, move to a level of courtship, be just friends, or let go.  YOU decide what works or doesn't.   Compromise is necessary for any relationship to work but not to the extent that you no longer recongize yourself. 
     I believe you should hold yourself in high esteem especially when dating or courting. 
                                     If YOU don't then He WON'T either.
 Dating:  Dating is going out for a set time and place and has an end time. Like a play date for your children.  A set time to start and finish.   A True Date, you know what I mean ...a  real honest to goodness date.  Boy picks up girl, boy takes girl to movies, or dinner,  boy takes girl home.  She says goodnight and that is it.     JUST DATE.  It should be " the we are having fun getting to know about each other dates".  No intimacy until you have developed something more. 
      (PS. don't have any more than 2 alcoholic beverages on any date- keep your wits about you). 

Courtship and wooing:.  You set the tone of the relationship.
 We discussed courtship and wooing.... yes I used the term wooing.  If you are looking for  romance then see if he is willing to begin wooing you  Is he interested in pursuing you, chase you? Is he willing to court you?
Does he bring you flowers, little love notes, offers help, offers an ear, a shoulder to cry on, gives you tissue, holds your hand, opens the door?   You know honey... act like a gentleman?  Is he your friend?  
 By all means kiss and kiss a lot.              BUT THAT IS ALL! 
 If it becomes too much, say      GOODNIGHT. 
      (PS. don't have any more than 2 alcoholic beverages on any courtship date- keep your wits about you). 

Romance,Sizzle & Marriage   ~  I am all for the sizzle.  That must be earned and develop over a period of time.   The snap crackle and pop  of any relationship, the zippee doo dah attraction to each other,  is absolutely wonderful.  Remember as years pass your hips and knees will also snap crackle and pop ...will you still care for each other?  Will you love each other and be willing to help each other get the canes,walkers, false teeth and hearing aids?

True Love:   If he truly care for you he will be there when you are facing struggles of life. He will listen, understand, and try to help. 
  The truest love I have witnessed is watching my parents.  Growing up observing
and learning how they care and are devoted to one other in sickness and health. 
I still observe and now nudge my children to observe... see that is true love.  Watch and learn.... look how your grandparents love each other and show thier love daily.  As my parents have aged,  growng frail , forgetful and unable to manage  day to day lives without assistance they continue on this pursuit of love.  My father shows his love daily to my Mother by doing whatever it takes. Tucking in a napkin, giving baths, assist with dressing, brushing her hair, kissing her gently, holding my mother's hands, and manage all toiletry concerns.  That is True Love and Devotion.   My Mother in her moments of clarity will gently rebuff my father's playfulness and giggle at him.  Yes giggle.  They still giggle with each other.  My father still calls her "my girl" and my mother gently smiles and bats her twinkly blue eyes.  True Love and Devotion. 

 If anyone doesn't measure up or have the potential to reach this high standard to truly care for and Love you...  then this isn't the person for you.

My daughters will be told, lectured, guided and reminded  of What True Love is along with the following 12 guidelines of dating/courtship.  Believe you me, there will be  more than just the 12 but it is a good place to start.
I located this article on a Christian web site.  Great for your daughter or female friend they should try to follow these 12 signs. 

12 Signs to Tell if He is the One:
1. He understands.
He always tries to see your side of things. This means that even if he’s seen you get upset or cry about something a hundred times before, he still tries to calm you down and makes you feel better.
2. He tells you.
Oh those three special words, the words some men have major trouble saying. Well, if he says them often, count yourself lucky. Hearing him say “I love you,” and knowing he means every word, is proof that he’s one of a kind.
3. He shows you.
We all know most men have trouble expressing their feelings with words. So, sometimes they use other forms of expression. Forms of expression include: taking you out for dinner when he thinks you need a break from cooking or understanding that you might need some time to yourself. While you may like to hear those sweet whispers of affection from him, it’s a fact that actions speak louder than words.
4. He listens to you.
Is he’s genuinely interested in what you’re saying when you talk to him? Does he give you his undivided attention during your conversations, instead of having the television blaring in the background? It’s an important sign, if he shows he’s really concerned about your feelings, and especially what you have to say.
5. He’s happy around you.
Smiles? Laughter? Excited to spend time with you and not his guy friends? Glad just to be with you? If he can’t get enough of you, it’s a sure sign that he’s really attracted and in love.
6. He compliments you.
He notices when you change something about your appearance. He appreciates when you take the time to look great. When he looks you up and down admiringly with a little smile and tells you how beautiful you are, you know you matter.
7. He takes care of you.
Is he your own personal guardian angel? Does he baby you when you’re sick and nurse you back to health? If the answer is ‘yes’, then it’s a pretty sure bet you’ve got a good thing going.
8. His friends and family like you.
You can gauge how a man feels about you from the way his circle of friends and family treat you. If you are held in high regard, and they have embraced you like one of their own, it’s a fact he’s been telling them how happy he is to have you in his life.
9. He appreciates you.
Telling you how proud he is of your achievements or praising you to his family and friends is a wonderful signal. It’s a sign he is in deep appreciation of who you are to him.
10. He asks for your opinion.
He asks for your advice, considers it and may put it to good use. When important decisions are at stake concerning him, he doesn’t just go ahead and decide on his own what he thinks is right.
11. He’s interested in what you want too.
Let’s say you’re both watching television and you want to watch Desperate Housewives while he’d like to catch 24. You know how men are when it comes to the remote control! If he lets you watch your show of choice, not in a grudging manner, but because he wants you to be happy, you’ve got a winner. Give him extra points if he actually sits through it with you!
12. He makes you feel special.
Finally, is he the kind of guy who’s always trying to keep the romance alive? Bringing you flowers or breakfast in bed are both really wonderful ways to know he cares. If he’s always going out of his way to make you feel exceptional hold on tight, the man is a keeper.

God Bless!

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